I sat hugging my knees, my face facing the sky; I prodded my head a little forward as if I was kissing the sun back. I felt the golden rays writing sentences on my brown skin as my antique raindrop earring almost, almost wanted to take a free fall, but unlike the other raindrops. It stayed, it floated.

That has been my favourite way of being.
In a city dripping with red, you’ll find me in grey.
My words will leave you with thoughts like the silence in a history museum. Silent, yet a hushed background of voices, of people, movement and restored moments.
It’s as if I wake up every morning and spin the wheel, to see which extreme emotion the day holds.
Mapping every emotion with colours, colours with words, words with people, and people with smiles.
A story of smiles.
I laugh, I live, I unrest.
Being anxious, paranoid. Like an oversized black t-shirt made of what-ifs, I wear it almost every day.
And I can’t not.
I make mistakes. I mess with time. I am slow. Sheet after sheet, I feel good.
It could have been better, a little. A little more.
I make my people wait and go to sleep.
I get so angry and write songs on my feet.
I make mistakes, I instantly correct people’s English with an immediate trigger on my face and on some days,
on some days I write wrong spellings and, and just stare at my grammar trace.
I go to places, to watch, to listen.
I meet people like the waves meeting the sand.
Slow; gushed, but I’ll leave with a lesson.
I turn some into poems, some into letters. And some are painted on plain white paper and slid into an envelope.
Yes, I put paintings inside envelopes and I write letters on canvases. I mix up.
I love wholeheartedly, I do not get what they mean by dating and casual flings.
I scan every human I meet like a story worth being told.
Just the way they deal with life, I dance with these different things.
College, family, friends, society.
Like a Ferris wheel in my mind,
It gets exhausting
To always be kind, polite, happy and tolerant.
And I break out, I break down, I break bad.
I want to quit the course, shut down submissions along with my constant worry of not being good at it,
I want to seal my war zone with my mother with huge yellow no entry boards.
I want to pedal out of my anxiety and abandon it completely.
Just like my antique raindrop earring, I almost, almost want to take a free fall. Free fall into a state of mind which is void, nothing to worry about, nothing to address.
But unlike other raindrops,
I stay.
I float.
I revoke.

Vajjrashri Anand